Yes. I really do. I recall the disdain with which I treated some of my elders as I grew up. I recall, clearly, how judgemental I was towards the drunk uncles at family gatherings, how critical I was of the single parents around me. It just did not make sense to me how a whole adult could be addicted to nicotine. I thought they were reckless fathers, all those who returned to their homes after dark, wasted from alcohol. How could one get to forty without a house? What was even more bemusing to me was how anyone above thirty could possibly not own a car. When my first relationship was thriving, I thought, how do people fail at this game? It was all about faithfulness and praying about it, right? I was going to get married at twenty-five, own maybe two houses at thirty, and wax great from then on. It was so straightforward. Surely it was certain that any level-headed teen would be licensed to drive by sixteen, at least. How could one even backslide? I was on fire for God.

Trust me, it was not only talk. I attended several career guidance sessions. I prayed. I really prayed. I fasted like no one’s business. I read a lot of motivational books and any useful literature I could find. I studied hard. My social circle was made up only of people I believed were focused. Even on social media, I was following only your Bill Gates, your Mark Zuckerberg, and the rest. Remember, I was going to be one of them, so it only made sense. It is funny how you watch every movie and always identify with the hero. For some reason, you are just going to turn out fine, right? Growing up, it never made sense to me that I could also fail at anything. I was a devout Christian, and I was meant to be the head and not the tail. Christ in me, the hope of glory, and I could do all things through Christ. Strangely, in all of this, my prayers for myself never included requests for long life. I was healthy and would always, in my dreams, see myself living into old age. Depression was for losers, and suicide was for the weak.

It was when I got to twenty without a driver’s licence that I paused. Maybe I had been overestimating myself. Then the relationship that was ‘made in heaven’ collapsed, and I really started reconsidering. Maybe I did not have it all figured out. Several age mates passed on, and I felt my foundations shaking. Some of them were as devout as me. Some were even more devout, and healthier. I remember looking down at a friend’s body as it lay motionless in a casket. He was one of the sweetest souls I had ever met, and there he was, gone at such a young age. Not because he had done anything wrong or planned amiss. He was simply unfortunate and fell to a cruel ailment. Some of my departed colleagues were just in unfortunate accidents. After graduating, the job hunt was another humbling experience. Those rejections really are needed for an unchecked ego.

All those I had thought could not be better than me school-wise were getting jobs left, right, and centre, and I was left wondering how. You know how it feels when you do everything you think is best in a relationship and they still choose another person? You know how it feels when all the ‘promiscuous’ ones get married and you, the chaste one, are struggling to string together a relationship that lasts a month? Or when you are rejected by the girl you thought was beneath you?

Life moves on, and colleagues grow into whatever they do and succeed and fail into life differently. I too grow in many ways, but I fail at many things as well. I find myself drinking into some nights, like the uncles I despised. I go through several relationships, like the prayerless seniors I loathed. I don’t make as much money as I thought I would. I am no billionaire. In fact, over the years I have started telling myself that being a billionaire is not that important. Maybe I am right, but maybe I have simply managed to pacify myself. My own relationship with God has taken downturns more times than I anticipated. I don’t yet have all the houses I thought I would have. Yes, it could be the economic conditions I find myself in, but I never cared about the economy anyway when I was busy judging people. I am still not a professor at this big age of twenty-nine. The number of times I have been ill now have made me start asking for long life. I even jog and watch what I eat these days.

This is why I wish you could fail. Not because I hate you, but because I actually love you. I wish that you are faithful and put in a lot of effort, and they still drop you and ghost you for good. I sometimes wish you would lose your job right when you are expecting a child. Or that your perfect body would change. Maybe what you really need is just a few days of no income to realise that the ones by the street corner are not that stupid. The way you still think you got married because you were chaste needs some shaking. I wish that the one you trust so much would let you down. Until you understand that they also passed in school and were dedicated enough, I am wishing that you don’t meet some of your goals.

I want you not to get that visa until you truly realise that it is all about time and chance. Fortunes differ, yet you still think it is because of the church you go to that you got the job. When I think about it, I want you to fail at something you are in control of. Yes, I wish you would let yourself down. I wish you would let down those people around you once, so that you really understand you are not infallible. All these bad wishes for you, so that the next time you go to church, instead of trying to show everyone your jewellery, you look for the widows, the single mothers, and the orphans and extend a helping hand. I want you to turn down your stereo as you drive through town, roll down your windows, and help the paupers. In another world, it could have been you. Yes, you made the most of the opportunities you got. Yes, some people did squander theirs, but think about those who were as dedicated as you and simply failed.