I want you fail

Yes. I really do. I recall the disdain with which I treated some of my elders as I grew up. I recall, clearly,
how judgemental I was towards the drunk uncles at family gatherings. How critical I was of the single parents around me. I mean, It just did not make sense to me how a whole adult could be addicted to nicotine. I felt they were just reckless fathers all those that returned to their homes after dark, wasted from alcohol. How could one get to forty without a house? What was even more bemusing to me was how anyone above thirty could possibly not own a car. When my first relationship was thriving I thought, how do people fail at this game? I mean, it just was all about faithfulness and praying about it right? I was going to get married at twenty five, own maybe two houses at thirty and wax great from then on. It was so straight forward. It just had to be certain that any level-headed teen at sixteen would be licensed to drive, at least. How could one backslide even? I mean, I was on fire for God.

Trust me, it was not only talk. I attended several career guidance sessions. I prayed. I really prayed. I mean, I fasted like no-one’s business. I read a lot of motivational books and any useful literature. I studied hard. My social circle was just made of people I believed were focused. Even on social media, I was only following your Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg et cetera. Remember I was going to be one of them so, it only made sense. You know it’s funny how you watch every movie and you always identify with the hero. For some reason, you are just going to turn out fine right? Growing up, it just never made sense that I could also fail at anything. I was a devout christian and, I was meant to be the head and not the tail. Christ in me the hope of glory and, I could do all things through Christ. And strangley, in all this, my prayers for
myself never included requests for long life. I was healthy and would always, in my dreams, see myself living into old age. Depression was for losers and suicide was for the weak.

It was when I got to twenty without a driver’s licence that I paused a bit. Maybe I have been overestimating myself a bit. Then the relationship that was ‘made in heaven’ collapsed and I really started reconsidering. Maybe I did not have it all figured out. Several age mates passed on and, I really felt my foundations shaking. Some of them were as devout as me. Some even more devout and healthier. I remember looking down at a friend’s body as it lay motionless in a casket. He was one of the sweetest
souls I had ever met and, there he was, gone at such a young age. Not necessarily because he had done anyhting wrong or he had planned amiss. He was just unfortunate and fell to a cruel ailment. Some of my departed colleagues were just in unfortunate accidents. After graduating, the job hunt was another humbling experience. Those rejections really are needed for unchecked ego.

All those I thought could not be better than me school wise were getting jobs left right and center and I was wondering how. You know how it feels when you do everything you think is best in a relationship and they still choose another person? You know how it feels when all the ‘promiscuous’ ones get married and you, the chaste, are struggling to string up a relationship that lasts a month? Or when you are rejected by the girl you thought was beneath you.

Life moves on and colleagues grow into whatever they do and succeed and fail into life differently. I also grow in many ways but, I fail at many things as well. I find myself drinking into some nights like the uncles I despised. I go through several relationships as well like the prayerless seniors I loathed. I don’t make as much money as I thought I would. I mean, I’m not a billionaire. Infact, over the years I have started telling myself being a billionaire is not that important. Maybe I’m right but, maybe I have managed to
pacify myself. My own relationship with God has taken downturns more times than I anticipated. I don’t have all the houses I thought I would have yet. Yeah, it could be because of the economic conditions I find myself in but, I never cared about the economy anyways when I judged people. I still not am a professor at this big age of 29. The number of times I have been ill now have made me start asking
for long life. I even jog and watch what I eat now.

This is why I wish you could fail. Not because I hate you but, because I actually love you. I wish you are faithful and put in a lot of effort and they still drop you and ghost you for good. I sometimes wish you lose your job right when you are expecting a child. Or that your perfect body changes. Maybe what you really need is just a few days of no income for you to realise that the ones by the street corner
are not that stupid. The way you still think you got married because you were chaste needs some shaking. I wish that the one you trust so much lets you down. Until you understand that they also passed in school and were dedicated enough, I’m wishing that you don’t meet some of your goals.

I want you not to get that visa until you really realise that it’s about time and chance. Fortunes are different but, you still think it is because of the church you go to that you got the job. When I think about it, I want you to fail at something you are in control of. Yes, I wish you let yourself down. I wish you let down those people aorund you once so that you really understand you are infallible. All these bad wishes
for you so that the next time you go to church, instead of trying to show everyone your jewellery, look for the widows, single mothers and opharns and extend a helping hand. I want you to lower down your stereo as you drive through town, roll down your windows and help the paupers. It another world, it could have been you. Yes, you made the most of the opportunities you got. Yes, some of the people did squander their opportunities but, think about those that were as dedicated as you but just failed.